MORE PRACTICE ON WRITING BEATS
only at: http://shalla.00books.com/coolfreegifts.html
MORE PRACTICE ON WRITING BEATS
Early Draft of Fran Dorf’s A Reasonable Madness:
“Laura’s illness is very complex,” I said. “If you’d just—“
“My wife obviously has a screw loose somewhere,” he said. “I was under the impression that the family is informed when a person goes crazy.”
I sighed. “Sometimes that’s true,” I admitted.
He said, “But you don’t think my wife is crazy, or what?”
My frustration was mounting. “I wish you’d stop throwing that word around so casually,” I snapped.
“I don’t give a goddamn what you wish,” he said. “It’s obvious to me that my wife should be in an asylum.”
What an odd choice of words, I thought. “There are no asylums any more, Mr. Wade,” I pointed out.
He got up, walked over to the window and looked out, then turned back to me.
“Whatever,” he said. “A hospital, then.”
I took off my glasses, rubbed my eyes. “Why do you think she should be in a hospital?” I asked him.
“Delusions. You’ve heard of them?”
“Once or twice,” I said sarcastically, beginning to lose it. “Why don’t you tell me about Laura’s?”
“Thinking things that are obviously ridiculous,” he said. “Misinterpreting everyday events and people’s behavior as having something to do with her—with this power she thinks she has. Oh, but I forgot. You believe in witches.”
Problems:
Explanatory speaker attributions
1 needless thinker attribution
Several dialogue descriptions
1 –ly adverb
what I would’ve edited out
Dialogue explanations are masking Tension
Let’s Edit out unnecessary dialogue mechanics:
“Laura’s illness is very complex,” I said. “If you’d just—“
“My wife obviously has a screw loose somewhere,” he said. >>>(changed to)>>>
“My wife’s obviously got a screw loose somewhere,” he said. “I was under the impression that the family is informed when a person goes crazy.”
I sighed. “Sometimes that’s true,” I admitted.
He said, “But you don’t think my wife is crazy, or what?”
My frustration was mounting. “I wish you’d stop throwing that word around so casually,” I snapped.
“I don’t give a goddamn what you wish,” he said. “It’s obvious to me that <(deleted) my wife should be in an asylum.” What an odd choice of words, I thought. “There are no asylums any more, Mr. Wade,” I pointed out. He got up, walked over to the window and looked out, then turned back to me. “Whatever,” he said. “A hospital, then.” I took off my glasses, rubbed my eyes. “Why do you think she should be in a hospital?” I asked him. “Delusions. You’ve heard of them?” “Once or twice,” I said sarcastically, beginning to lose it. “Why don’t you tell me about Laura’s?” “Why don’t you tell me what you think those are, Mr. Wade?” “Thinking things that are obviously ridiculous,” he said. “Misinterpreting everyday events and people’s behavior as having something to do with her—with this power she thinks she has. Oh, but I forgot. You believe in witches.”
MORE PRACTICE ON WRITING BEATS
Early Draft of Fran Dorf’s A Reasonable Madness:
“Laura’s illness is very complex,” I said. “If you’d just—“
“My wife obviously has a screw loose somewhere,” he said. “I was under the impression that the family is informed when a person goes crazy.”
I sighed. “Sometimes that’s true,” I admitted.
He said, “But you don’t think my wife is crazy, or what?”
My frustration was mounting. “I wish you’d stop throwing that word around so casually,” I snapped.
“I don’t give a goddamn what you wish,” he said. “It’s obvious to me that my wife should be in an asylum.”
What an odd choice of words, I thought. “There are no asylums any more, Mr. Wade,” I pointed out.
He got up, walked over to the window and looked out, then turned back to me.
“Whatever,” he said. “A hospital, then.”
I took off my glasses, rubbed my eyes. “Why do you think she should be in a hospital?” I asked him.
“Delusions. You’ve heard of them?”
“Once or twice,” I said sarcastically, beginning to lose it. “Why don’t you tell me about Laura’s?”
“Thinking things that are obviously ridiculous,” he said. “Misinterpreting everyday events and people’s behavior as having something to do with her—with this power she thinks she has. Oh, but I forgot. You believe in witches.”
Problems:
Explanatory speaker attributions
1 needless thinker attribution
Several dialogue descriptions
1 –ly adverb
what I would’ve edited out
Dialogue explanations are masking Tension
Let’s Edit out unnecessary dialogue mechanics:
“Laura’s illness is very complex,” I said. “If you’d just—“
“My wife obviously has a screw loose somewhere,” he said. >>>(changed to)>>>
“My wife’s obviously got a screw loose somewhere,” he said. “I was under the impression that the family is informed when a person goes crazy.”
I sighed. “Sometimes that’s true,” I admitted.
He said, “But you don’t think my wife is crazy, or what?”
My frustration was mounting. “I wish you’d stop throwing that word around so casually,” I snapped.
“I don’t give a goddamn what you wish,” he said. “It’s obvious to me that <(deleted) my wife should be in an asylum.” What an odd choice of words, I thought. “There are no asylums any more, Mr. Wade,” I pointed out. He got up, walked over to the window and looked out, then turned back to me. “Whatever,” he said. “A hospital, then.” I took off my glasses, rubbed my eyes. “Why do you think she should be in a hospital?” I asked him. “Delusions. You’ve heard of them?” “Once or twice,” I said sarcastically, beginning to lose it. “Why don’t you tell me about Laura’s?” “Why don’t you tell me what you think those are, Mr. Wade?” “Thinking things that are obviously ridiculous,” he said. “Misinterpreting everyday events and people’s behavior as having something to do with her—with this power she thinks she has. Oh, but I forgot. You believe in witches.”
***
***********
BTW: Shalla de Guzman in on Amazon, see all of Shalla's Reviews.
***
Shalla Wins Competition in Mad Hatters Review!
COMING Spring 2007
The Fish in My Bed
by
Shalla de Guzman
Edgy and Enlightened Literature, Art and Music in the Age of Dementia
***Meet Shalla's Fellow Mad Hatters Review Contributors***
Dear Shalla, Hold onto your hat and take a deep breath.
You are the winner in our FISH AND PLANE contest!
You will receive a special MHR prize and your delightful entry will be published in our next issue.
***
Labels: a smart author's toolkit
posted by Shalla at 9:40 AM
<< Home